Sunday, May 24, 2009

Local idiot gunned down

Ex-Detective Dharmendra Singh Babbar, is finally dead.

"It was what he wanted," says Bowby Goal, 32-year old son of the deceased. "He was disturbed. He would receive 10 cases a day, and all of them would turn out to be suicide victims. In the end, Papa couldn't take it anymore. He'd attempt to kill himself, but he'd just wind up killing fish. I mean, he wouldnt even bring the fish back home for dinner!"

Then how did he die, you wonder? "Papa neh tereko touch kiya? Touch kiya papa neh?" replies retarded Sunny, brother to Bowby and son to the now infamous ex-detective. "He touched Bowby. He never touched me," says Sunny as we caught up with him at Mehfil II just recently after he was discharged from the St. Karama mental ward.

"We can't pinpoint to who really did it," exclaims Watson, second in charge to the deceased detective. "The murder took place at the shooting club in Jebel Ali, and all the guns got mixed together. Now there are a hundred and forty-six guns to search from, who is going to do it, tera baap?"

"It is a tragedy, i'll admit. The town has lost its' crime fighter. It's a sad day in history", says Edward Dekhfood, local fisherman and owner of the fish factory, 'Something's fishy'. "In a way, what happened was good. Our customers were complaining of finding bullets in their fish. We just couldn't take it anymore."

To reiterate the horrifying experience, we met up with clown fish, Nemo. "It was scary man. It was worse than a shark gunning for your life! Have you ever been pointed at with a gun before? Huh? Have you?!" replies a quivering Nemo. We think he peed during the interview, but we'll never know for sure.

Local ruler, Sheikh Shakeit, has appointed Television star David Caruso, who plays lead detective 'Horatio Caine' on the hit TV Show C.S.I Miami, to replace the late Dharmendra. Unlike, Dharmendra who deemed all his cases to be suicide victims, David on the other hand arrests the first person he sees on the crime scene and closes the case. We think, they aren't that different after all.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sex and the Earth (Hour)

What did you do during Earth Hour? If you are one of the 2.6 billion people that participated by choice, you must've switched off your lights, fans, heaters/coolers, TV, perhaps even phones and laptops. Digging deeper into that pool, the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) investigated what participants did to "pass the time" during the hour of no power. 

According to the report a massive 96.9% of people had sex during the hour of no electricity. The WWF reports, "It is understandable
 . . . most people used candles for that one hour - that definitely does add to the atmosphere of love." The report also noted people "went for a walk" (1.1%), "went shopping" (0.9%), "took a nap" (0.8%) and "went to a friend's place who didn't participate in Earth Hour" (0.3%).

"It isn't unusual if you look at the history of environmental protection actually," says John Steve of the Environmental Agency (EA), UK. "Many people don't realise but the word 'environmental' comes from the Greek word 'envirio', which literally means 'to mate' and 'mental' represents that the person is just obsessed with that idea!"

John then introduced us to some original letters and diary posts of Sir Vicktar Kheder, the
 founder of the EA back in 1836. He says in one post, "Ever since they told me that Earth is actually round, man it's just become so much hotter!" 

"Now some people read that and think he is talking about the actual weather," says John, "but he was in the UK! How hot does it really get here!"

One of Sir Vicktar's last letters was addressed to his father, a man who constantly pushed him to get married. Sir Vicktar writes, "I know you want me to get married, but it just cannot happen now, father. I am in love with the Earth . . . unfortunately, you may never understand the contentment of lying naked on the streets of England, with only a blanket covering you."

Shortly after the letter, Sir Vicktar passed away at the young age of 21 due to a severe case of pneumonia.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ants: Attackers or Attackees?

Ohio, US.
Cleveland residents are in great fear of ants, following an alleged assault case that emerged recently. 14 year old Javin is the victim who claims an ant bit him on the nose during sleep, and as Javin reacted, the ant jumped on to his thigh and bit him once again, before disappearing into the dark night. 

"It hurt so bad," says Javin, "I yelled and my parents came rushing in... but the ant was gone."

Javin's parents filed a case at their local police station, "which initiated a state-wide manhunt, I mean, ant-hunt," says Commissioner Jim Collins.  The commissioner admits that they have had no success because, "they all fuckin' look alike!"

Talking on behalf of the ants community is PETI, a subgroup of the PETA movement. "We specialises in the ethical treatment of insects," says PETI president, Anoop V., "we don't get to do much, so once in a while when an opportunity like this arrives, we're all over it."

Anoop is in process of initiating "a major campaign of educating people about ants" he says. "We will be protesting all ant-hunts, ensuring no more innocent ants are hurt," he says as he presents us with concept art for his "ant-friendly posters."

"So much danger and I still survived 17'3/4 years," he says, "this is the age of the average ant -- and it's short only because of our attacks!"

Anoop admits that cooperation from authorities has been poor. "When we called the commissioner last week and introduced ourselves he said, 'hahaha, PETI?'" said a furious Anoop.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Manchester United *VS* Kolkata Knight Riders

Are they playing football? No. Are they playing Cricket? No. Then what is it these teams will be playing? "I also don't know," replies Sourav Ganguly, lead player of the Kolkata team. "My 3 year old son tells me its a PR event," says Wayne Rooney, lead kaftan of the Manchester United team.

"We're going to make it up as we go," says David Hussey of the KKR. "We'll put up a goal post and a boundary line and take the best parts out of each sport," Hussey added.

The more time we spent on the story, the more we were convinced that we were actually on a movie set. In fact, Ashutosh Gowarikar was in the midst with a camera, waiting, as the two teams got ready for the event. We suspect Ashutosh is making Lagaan 2, bitter after the fact that his movie lost out at the oscars eight years ago, while Slumdog won last year.

To be perfectly honest, as the game went on, we ourselves did not understand what was happening. Manchester United was wearing a blue uniform instead of their traditional red, while the Kolkata Knight Riders were dressed in formal wear. However, truth be told, it was a match filled with excitement and suspense filled to the brim - like a bad movie, you don't know who is going to yell what out when?!

The match did have its injuries. Fast bowler Ajit Agarkar fell down and broke his stilettos, while Christiano Ronaldo was attacked by a peacock.

In the end, Manchester United won by 18 red cards just after KKR substitute player George W. Bush was sent in. Kolkata Knight Riders owner Shakrukh Khan had the following to say, "Anybody want to buy a team?"

God's New Message: Stop Smoking!

Christchurch, New Zealand
Following the horrific death of a man who was struck by lightning, then attacked by ravens that pecked on his privates, then run over by a truck driver who was trying to "shoo off the birds", a new law has emerged.

The man, Samuel J. Norris, was 28 years of age. While Detective Dharmendra's initial investigation concluded the case to be one of "su-side", further investigation revealed the man's death to be "an act of God." As per the report published by the Bureau of Investigation of Strange Incidents (BISI), Samuel was a chain-smoker. He had, over the past 6 months, received several warnings from God personally. First through numerous emails, then through snailmail, and finally through a personal telephone call.

"Dad takes full responsibility of the incident," said Jesus over a teleconference held at Christchurch Central, "Dad saw great potential in Sam and told him to give up smoking. While Sam agreed to do this, he chose to hide and continue smoking... But really, Dad's pretty much everywhere." Jesus ended the teleconference with God's new message, "Smoking will kill you eventually, but I might just do it right away!"

The conference has sent shock waves across the tobacco industry. "We are in talks with the Gods... I mean, God," said Dhirubhai Vaswani, spokesman for Marlboro industries, "we plan on doing more research into manufacturing our God-Friendly range." 

It is unclear whether God's threat covers the whole Earth or Christchrch residents in particular. In the meantime, the Department of Municipal Affairs (DMA) in Christchurch has taken additional steps to warn people of God's will. "Yeah, we've put up signs around most major areas of the city," said Steve-o from DMA, "We aren't sure if it's just for our city, the whole of New Zealand, or Australia too. But for now we're really on a wait and see until further word from God."

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Maafi Mushkila! No Problem!

In tough times, come tough laws. The local government recently banned the use of any transportation vehicle with more than two wheels. "The world is polluted. We are giving back to the world by creating a community that is entirely smoke-free. Oh Shit, you got a smoke?" says Majid Al Yehbaby, Department Head at Rata (Roads And Transport Authority), as he realizes he's out of cigarettes.

The general public however, have found a loophole within the law. "That's perfectly legal," reacts Lieutenant Abdul Askandrany when we showed him a picture we took on Amritsar Road.

Ever since the law has been passed, accidents and road related fatalities have gone up by 743%.

Ruler addicted to SimCity 4

It's true. Instead of leading the nation, Sheikh Ahmed bin Ahmedeen bin Omar bin Yakhi Where you been, plays a computer game throughout the day. SimCity 4 is a city-building simulation game created by well known entrepreneur, Max C'moniwannaplay.

Upon making an appointment with the Sheikh and appearing in his office for a private interview, the Sheikh had the following to say, "Shu Hada? What appointment?"

With the recession causing the economy to slowly circle the drain, we expect more effort from the ruler of the Afia oil-rich nation. "La, La," utters Sheikh Ahmed, which means 'No, No,' in the local language when we proceeded to ask him questions on the lack of action he is taking for the country. "La, La, La," he began to scream, only now we realized he wasn't saying no, he was singing along to an Ashlee Simpson song.

"You do not understand. There are no cheat codes in real life," the Sheikh finally responded. "In SimCity, i am always winning. They have easy level! And if level automatically becomes more, yakhi i break computer and buy new one," the Sheikh tells us enthusiastically. Upon telling him that he can simply restart the game with the same computer, we see his smile fade away to bring forth a rather constipated look, only to have the smile soon return as his peers barge into the office. "Taal Habibi Taal," screams the Sheikh as he gestures to his peers to have a look at the computer screen. "Zee Burj iz finally complete!" says the Sheikh with a tone of satisfaction and accomplishment. However, we ask you, will the Burj ever be complete in REAL LIFE?