Local idiot gunned down

Ex-Detective Dharmendra Singh Babbar, is finally dead.

"It was what he wanted," says Bowby Goal, 32-year old son of the deceased. "He was disturbed. He would receive 10 cases a day, and all of them would turn out to be suicide victims. In the end, Papa couldn't take it anymore. He'd attempt to kill himself, but he'd just wind up killing fish. I mean, he wouldnt even bring the fish back home for dinner!"

Then how did he die, you wonder? "Papa neh tereko touch kiya? Touch kiya papa neh?" replies retarded Sunny, brother to Bowby and son to the now infamous ex-detective. "He touched Bowby. He never touched me," says Sunny as we caught up with him at Mehfil II just recently after he was discharged from the St. Karama mental ward.

"We can't pinpoint to who really did it," exclaims Watson, second in charge to the deceased detective. "The murder took place at the shooting club in Jebel Ali, and all the guns got mixed together. Now there are a hundred and forty-six guns to search from, who is going to do it, tera baap?"

"It is a tragedy, i'll admit. The town has lost its' crime fighter. It's a sad day in history", says Edward Dekhfood, local fisherman and owner of the fish factory, 'Something's fishy'. "In a way, what happened was good. Our customers were complaining of finding bullets in their fish. We just couldn't take it anymore."

To reiterate the horrifying experience, we met up with clown fish, Nemo. "It was scary man. It was worse than a shark gunning for your life! Have you ever been pointed at with a gun before? Huh? Have you?!" replies a quivering Nemo. We think he peed during the interview, but we'll never know for sure.

Local ruler, Sheikh Shakeit, has appointed Television star David Caruso, who plays lead detective 'Horatio Caine' on the hit TV Show C.S.I Miami, to replace the late Dharmendra. Unlike, Dharmendra who deemed all his cases to be suicide victims, David on the other hand arrests the first person he sees on the crime scene and closes the case. We think, they aren't that different after all.

Sex and the Earth (Hour)

What did you do during Earth Hour? If you are one of the 2.6 billion people that participated by choice, you must've switched off your lights, fans, heaters/coolers, TV, perhaps even phones and laptops. Digging deeper into that pool, the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) investigated what participants did to "pass the time" during the hour of no power. 

According to the report a massive 96.9% of people had sex during the hour of no electricity. The WWF reports, "It is understandable

 . . . most people used candles for that one hour - that definitely does add to the atmosphere of love." The report also noted people "went for a walk" (1.1%), "went shopping" (0.9%), "took a nap" (0.8%) and "went to a friend's place who didn't participate in Earth Hour" (0.3%).

"It isn't unusual if you look at the history of environmental protection actually," says John Steve of the Environmental Agency (EA), UK. "Many people don't realise but the word 'environmental' comes from the Greek word 'envirio', which literally means 'to mate' and 'mental' represents that the person is just obsessed with that idea!"

John then introduced us to some original letters and diary posts of Sir Vicktar Kheder, the

 founder of the EA back in 1836. He says in one post, "Ever since they told me that Earth is actually round, man it's just become so much hotter!" 

"Now some people read that and think he is talking about the actual weather," says John, "but he was in the UK! How hot does it really get here!"

One of Sir Vicktar's last letters was addressed to his father, a man who constantly pushed him to get married. Sir Vicktar writes, "I know you want me to get married, but it just cannot happen now, father. I am in love with the Earth . . . unfortunately, you may never understand the contentment of lying naked on the streets of England, with only a blanket covering you."

Shortly after the letter, Sir Vicktar passed away at the young age of 21 due to a severe case of pneumonia.

Ants: Attackers or Attackees?

Ohio, US.

Cleveland residents are in great fear of ants, following an alleged assault case that emerged recently. 14 year old Javin is the victim who claims an ant bit him on the nose during sleep, and as Javin reacted, the ant jumped on to his thigh and bit him once again, before disappearing into the dark night. 

"It hurt so bad," says Javin, "I yelled and my parents came rushing in... but the ant was gone."

Javin's parents filed a case at their local police station, "which initiated a state-wide manhunt, I mean, ant-hunt," says Commissioner Jim Collins.  The commissioner admits that they have had no success because, "they all fuckin' look alike!"

Talking on behalf of the ants community is PETI, a subgroup of the PETA movement. "We specialises in the ethical treatment of insects," says PETI president, Anoop V., "we don't get to do much, so once in a while when an opportunity like this arrives, we're all over it."

Anoop is in process of initiating "a major campaign of educating people about ants" he says. "We will be protesting all ant-hunts, ensuring no more innocent ants are hurt," he says as he presents us with concept art for his "ant-friendly posters."

"So much danger and I still survived 17'3/4 years," he says, "this is the age of the average ant -- and it's short only because of our attacks!"

Anoop admits that cooperation from authorities has been poor. "When we called the commissioner last week and introduced ourselves he said, 'hahaha, PETI?'" said a furious Anoop.

Manchester United *VS* Kolkata Knight Riders

Are they playing football? No. Are they playing Cricket? No. Then what is it these teams will be playing? "I also don't know," replies Sourav Ganguly, lead player of the Kolkata team. "My 3 year old son tells me its a PR event," says Wayne Rooney, lead kaftan of the Manchester United team.

"We're going to make it up as we go," says David Hussey of the KKR. "We'll put up a goal post and a boundary line and take the best parts out of each sport," Hussey added.

The more time we spent on the story, the more we were convinced that we were actually on a movie set. In fact, Ashutosh Gowarikar was in the midst with a camera, waiting, as the two teams got ready for the event. We suspect Ashutosh is making Lagaan 2, bitter after the fact that his movie lost out at the oscars eight years ago, while Slumdog won last year.

To be perfectly honest, as the game went on, we ourselves did not understand what was happening. Manchester United was wearing a blue uniform instead of their traditional red, while the Kolkata Knight Riders were dressed in formal wear. However, truth be told, it was a match filled with excitement and suspense filled to the brim - like a bad movie, you don't know who is going to yell what out when?!


The match did have its injuries. Fast bowler Ajit Agarkar fell down and broke his stilettos, while Christiano Ronaldo was attacked by a peacock.

In the end, Manchester United won by 18 red cards just after KKR substitute player George W. Bush was sent in. Kolkata Knight Riders owner Shakrukh Khan had the following to say, "Anybody want to buy a team?"

God's New Message: Stop Smoking!

Christchurch, New Zealand

Following the horrific death of a man who was struck by lightning, then attacked by ravens that pecked on his privates, then run over by a truck driver who was trying to "shoo off the birds", a new law has emerged.

The man, Samuel J. Norris, was 28 years of age. While Detective Dharmendra's initial investigation concluded the case to be one of "su-side", further investigation revealed the man's death to be "an act of God." As per the report published by the Bureau of Investigation of Strange Incidents (BISI), Samuel was a chain-smoker. He had, over the past 6 months, received several warnings from God personally. First through numerous emails, then through snailmail, and finally through a personal telephone call.

"Dad takes full responsibility of the incident," said Jesus over a teleconference held at Christchurch Central, "Dad saw great potential in Sam and told him to give up smoking. While Sam agreed to do this, he chose to hide and continue smoking... But really, Dad's pretty much everywhere." Jesus ended the teleconference with God's new message, "Smoking will kill you eventually, but I might just do it right away!"

The conference has sent shock waves across the tobacco industry. "We are in talks with the Gods... I mean, God," said Dhirubhai Vaswani, spokesman for Marlboro industries, "we plan on doing more research into manufacturing our God-Friendly range." 

It is unclear whether God's threat covers the whole Earth or Christchrch residents in particular. In the meantime, the Department of Municipal Affairs (DMA) in Christchurch has taken additional steps to warn people of God's will. "Yeah, we've put up signs around most major areas of the city," said Steve-o from DMA, "We aren't sure if it's just for our city, the whole of New Zealand, or Australia too. But for now we're really on a wait and see until further word from God."

Maafi Mushkila! No Problem!

In tough times, come tough laws. The local government recently banned the use of any transportation vehicle with more than two wheels. "The world is polluted. We are giving back to the world by creating a community that is entirely smoke-free. Oh Shit, you got a smoke?" says Majid Al Yehbaby, Department Head at Rata (Roads And Transport Authority), as he realizes he's out of cigarettes.

The general public however, have found a loophole within the law. "That's perfectly legal," reacts Lieutenant Abdul Askandrany when we showed him a picture we took on Amritsar Road.

Ever since the law has been passed, accidents and road related fatalities have gone up by 743%.

Ruler addicted to SimCity 4

It's true. Instead of leading the nation, Sheikh Ahmed bin Ahmedeen bin Omar bin Yakhi Where you been, plays a computer game throughout the day. SimCity 4 is a city-building simulation game created by well known entrepreneur, Max C'moniwannaplay.

Upon making an appointment with the Sheikh and appearing in his office for a private interview, the Sheikh had the following to say, "Shu Hada? What appointment?"

With the recession causing the economy to slowly circle the drain, we expect more effort from the ruler of the Afia oil-rich nation. "La, La," utters Sheikh Ahmed, which means 'No, No,' in the local language when we proceeded to ask him questions on the lack of action he is taking for the country. "La, La, La," he began to scream, only now we realized he wasn't saying no, he was singing along to an Ashlee Simpson song.

"You do not understand. There are no cheat codes in real life," the Sheikh finally responded. "In SimCity, i am always winning. They have easy level! And if level automatically becomes more, yakhi i break computer and buy new one," the Sheikh tells us enthusiastically. Upon telling him that he can simply restart the game with the same computer, we see his smile fade away to bring forth a rather constipated look, only to have the smile soon return as his peers barge into the office. "Taal Habibi Taal," screams the Sheikh as he gestures to his peers to have a look at the computer screen. "Zee Burj iz finally complete!" says the Sheikh with a tone of satisfaction and accomplishment. However, we ask you, will the Burj ever be complete in REAL LIFE?

Dubai Says NO to Apple

Dubai, United Arab Emirates

I sit with Mr. Abdul Al Qaskim Al Bind'ul Noor in a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf store sipping a Japanese Cheery Green Tea, while he loads his Apple Macbook. 12 seconds later, he says, "See? All done. Loaded. How long was that? About 10-15 seconds? Now how long would your Vista take?"

Abdul, an American educated Emarati, is one of the 800+ users of the Apple Macbook within Dubai. He sits discussing his concern over a new law that may soon be passed by the government. "First they ban smoking, then holding hands in public, then surfing," he says, "OK, these things are dangerous, yani. But to simply stop people from using a computer they prefer... Argh! (shouts in Arabic)."

Mr Yassim Al Qurashi Zin from the Ministry of Interior sees the move as an important one. "You go outside in my office now. Just go and see," he says, "you will see maybe 2 Mac users and the rest 26 people use windows. I think one uses Linux or something. But, go out and see how the Mac users look at the rest of the team. They are technologists. They discriminate!" 

Yassim then compares how Apple users see Windows users as the Western media saw Arabs as terrorist. "It is just like that, really. You go and look," he said, "you think I like to sit alone in this big office? My desk is outside. But I can't stand it now! So I moved here."

"It's not about that at all," says James Stitch, an Australian residing in Dubai for the last 6 years. "This is a much bigger issue, and it's stupid, really" says James, hugging his Apple Macbook.

"This new rule is because they are scared. They think that Apple is device setup by the Catholic Church to convert people into Christians -- it's because of the whole Adam and Eve and the Apple," he says, laughing, "they're just thick!" James has established the "Apple - Think Different" movement, which is still "in early phases," as he suggests. "But, I think any revolution must start from within, man!" he says as he reveals the Apple tattoo on his back. 

After Swine Flu, Banana Flu threatens to wipe out the Milky Way Galaxy

Bad fruit? Or Mutated Aliens from the planet 'Banana Republic'? "We're taking the necessary precautionary measures to save the human race," says Sushil Kumar, president of Humtohkarengey Islands, an archipelago nation of one and a half islands in the Pacific Ocean, some 2,000 kms off the coast of the famous 'Lost Islands'.

"The world is looking to us because we have the only two surviving superheroes that haven't fallen to this epidemic outbreak," President Sushil continued. "Yes, we have had our problems with Iran in the past, the U.S. too, but it's time to stand up and do the right thing - rub it in their face that we're better than them!"

The nation's closest ally, Sri Lanka, will aid the tiny nation in anyway possible to rid the universe of this uprising by the formerly friendly fruit. Upon asking the President of Sri Lanka, Anoop Tiwari Jayasuria, what kind of support he plans to give President Sushil and his nation, he had the following to say, "Oh, so we're not playing Cricket today?"

Hero & Jataal - Humtohkarengey Islands' resident superheroes decided to assure the media that their efforts will not fail. "Yeah, we'll do something," said Hero as Jataal snored loudily. Upon waking up Jataal Singh by throwing a Fifty Fils coin at him, Jataal finally began to speak, "I'm not exactly a superhero. I'm more of a villain, but i guess now is good as any a time to surrender to redemption," said Jataal as he added, "Mogambo uncle taught me well. Magneto chachu gave me some abilities. So yeah, we'll like do something."

When asked of the relationship between the two former rivals, Hero had this to say, "Jataal killed my mom, but we're way past that right now. He's my new mom."

Farah Somethingwala, owner of the Chiquita corporation spoke to the media on what was for her a very tender subject, "I like bananas", as she dropped to the floor after eating one of her own products. Dharmendra, lead detective on the scene had the following to say, "Su-side."

Is New Media Killing Innocence?

Bharatpur, India.

A small group of parents have gone against big-buck media groups, such as TATA Sky and Showtime Entertainment, complaining about the negative influence of some shows on children. The protest has emerged due to the innocent comments of 7 year old Jatin Stanely, commonly known as Jayt the Steel in the neighbourhood. 

"I sell coconuts for a living," says Jatin's father, Murli, "Jayt is always around because we have no such service as day-care over here. He used to admire my knives, which was fine, but few days ago he picked it up and hummed (hums the opening sequence tune of the TV show, Dexter). That's when me and my wife got worried."

The popular TV show, Dexter, is based on a novel by Jeff Lindsay, the story of which revolves around a "heroic psychopath" says Murli.

"See, tomorrow it can be any of our kids, or even yours!" says Jimbo, the leader of the group, unaware that none of our reporters are allowed to get married. "These shows are having a major negative influence on our kids. And the media groups need to take some responsibility!"

The media on the other hand seems to have taken note of the issue -- however, in the opposite way. Popular Indian film director, Ram Gopal Verma, sees the story of Jayt as one that needs to be told through the silver-screen, while maximising profits for his production house. "I want to make a film about everything," says Ram Gopal. "I can already imagine the poster -- Chotta Dexter!" he said as he turned to his laptop and designed a "concept poster" in 10 minutes. 

"Here, take it" he said, saving the poster on a USB stick, "it's a gift from me." 

Is Buddha Bar Haunted? Or Are We High?

Since its opening in 1996, the Buddha Bar-Dubai has always been surrounded by controversy. First it was the loud music, then the alleged giant statue not being of Buddha himself. But now there is news on the place being haunted.

"I've been a regular since the last 4 years," says 12 year old Jameel Malik, who asked not to be named. "I know there is definitely something wrong with that place now" he said, "it's just the vibe, man! There is something spooky."

The owners, however, have another story. "Look, we're a bar, OK?" confirms Anoop V., boyfriend of the owner's sister's daughter-in-law. "People come here, they have a little too much to drink, and suddenly they see things. Woah! WTF was that?" he asked, alarmed, as we left him in a state of shock.

"I've seen it with my own two eyes!" says 36 year old Lachu, popularly known as 'Hero' among friends and family. "You go in there and just wait and see. I don't drink and I still saw it. That statue of Buddha moved and he went "shhh!" and the music system stopped!" Having said this, Hero immediately asked for the payment he was promised.

Hero's comments could be ignored, however, it was in-line with many similar stories being whispered by Buddha Bar regulars.

"Sure, it's possible," says Professor Patta Hai Meinu from the University of Research Studies. "Buddha was not big on music, and especially this new-age music. I think it would annoy anyone."

“Any publicity, good or bad, is good,” CCEO deems crime scene launch a success

Can’t it just be that I like to hit people with hockey sticks? Can I not deem it as a hobby and not be termed ‘psychologically impaired’? When I asked my bearded therapist, all he had to say was “No.” Needless to say, I also hit him with my hockey stick. Where am I now? Raffa Police Station, Bur Dubai. Cell number 07.

As I rewind to ten minutes earlier, I am being ‘escorted’ into the Police Station as photographers and journalists take my picture and note down my quotes. There were a lot of obscene comments that Gulf News won’t print. Then again we’re not Gulf News. We’re better. The one comment Gulf News did print, was “I’ll be back on the internet by noon!” Damn. Its 1.11pm. That means I’ll have to stay overnight? Subhan Bhagwan!

As for my partner, he could care less. He parked his soul at Mehfil 2 as he began to throw One Dirham coins at the mujra aunties. “Five Dirhams is too much. It’s not my fault they didn’t invent a One dirham note” said Sushil as he mercilessly continued to throw coins at the 72 year olds. On the event that took place this morning, Sushil had the following to say, “I’d say the launch was a success. We managed to make our existence felt by the many millions married to the internet. We are only a few hours old and we’re already the talk of the universe.”

As he paused to take a sip of his Capri-Sonne Orange Juice, soon enough the sipped orange juice all came flying out as he received a slap from one of the mujra aunties. “Any publicity, good or bad, is good,” said Sushil as he now began to throw Fifty Fils coins at the aunties.

"We know what we're into," CCEO Confident of Launch

With the global economic crisis at its worst ever since 1680, two enthusiastic entrepreneurs have taken a risk. The launch of "Yeh Kya Headline Hai!?", a blog highlighting pointless news, may never recover the investment say some experts.

"I don't understand why we should be worried," says Sushil Kumar, the more naive CCEO, "blogging is free!"

Based on a recent research study conducted by the University of Research Studies, it was noted that the average blogger spends approximately US$ 562.32 per month on his/her blogging activities. "Although the direct costs are minimal," says Professor Patta Hai Meinu from the University, "there are additional costs, such as, the electricity consumption, Internet bill, even travel!"

Anoop V., Sushil Kumar's partner in this risky venture has a slightly different view. "Yes, we know what we're into - we are aware of the costs," he says, "but both Sushi and I come from very wealthy families, you see... Money is no concern for us at this stage."

Anoop, a Sri Lankan Sindhi who was born in Taiwan and currently resides in Dubai feels the project has potential. "I have known Sushi for many years as a good friend... I have often wondered how I could maximise my profit through his great mind. Today, I know how." These were Anoop's final words before he pulled out a hockey stick and attacked the reporters present.

Test Post

This is a test post.

You may come back in... 10 seconds...

If you just came back after 10 seconds and see nothing has changed, try another 10...

another 10....