God's New Message: Stop Smoking!

Christchurch, New Zealand

Following the horrific death of a man who was struck by lightning, then attacked by ravens that pecked on his privates, then run over by a truck driver who was trying to "shoo off the birds", a new law has emerged.

The man, Samuel J. Norris, was 28 years of age. While Detective Dharmendra's initial investigation concluded the case to be one of "su-side", further investigation revealed the man's death to be "an act of God." As per the report published by the Bureau of Investigation of Strange Incidents (BISI), Samuel was a chain-smoker. He had, over the past 6 months, received several warnings from God personally. First through numerous emails, then through snailmail, and finally through a personal telephone call.

"Dad takes full responsibility of the incident," said Jesus over a teleconference held at Christchurch Central, "Dad saw great potential in Sam and told him to give up smoking. While Sam agreed to do this, he chose to hide and continue smoking... But really, Dad's pretty much everywhere." Jesus ended the teleconference with God's new message, "Smoking will kill you eventually, but I might just do it right away!"

The conference has sent shock waves across the tobacco industry. "We are in talks with the Gods... I mean, God," said Dhirubhai Vaswani, spokesman for Marlboro industries, "we plan on doing more research into manufacturing our God-Friendly range." 

It is unclear whether God's threat covers the whole Earth or Christchrch residents in particular. In the meantime, the Department of Municipal Affairs (DMA) in Christchurch has taken additional steps to warn people of God's will. "Yeah, we've put up signs around most major areas of the city," said Steve-o from DMA, "We aren't sure if it's just for our city, the whole of New Zealand, or Australia too. But for now we're really on a wait and see until further word from God."