God's New Message: Stop Smoking!

Christchurch, New Zealand

Following the horrific death of a man who was struck by lightning, then attacked by ravens that pecked on his privates, then run over by a truck driver who was trying to "shoo off the birds", a new law has emerged.

The man, Samuel J. Norris, was 28 years of age. While Detective Dharmendra's initial investigation concluded the case to be one of "su-side", further investigation revealed the man's death to be "an act of God." As per the report published by the Bureau of Investigation of Strange Incidents (BISI), Samuel was a chain-smoker. He had, over the past 6 months, received several warnings from God personally. First through numerous emails, then through snailmail, and finally through a personal telephone call.

"Dad takes full responsibility of the incident," said Jesus over a teleconference held at Christchurch Central, "Dad saw great potential in Sam and told him to give up smoking. While Sam agreed to do this, he chose to hide and continue smoking... But really, Dad's pretty much everywhere." Jesus ended the teleconference with God's new message, "Smoking will kill you eventually, but I might just do it right away!"

The conference has sent shock waves across the tobacco industry. "We are in talks with the Gods... I mean, God," said Dhirubhai Vaswani, spokesman for Marlboro industries, "we plan on doing more research into manufacturing our God-Friendly range." 

It is unclear whether God's threat covers the whole Earth or Christchrch residents in particular. In the meantime, the Department of Municipal Affairs (DMA) in Christchurch has taken additional steps to warn people of God's will. "Yeah, we've put up signs around most major areas of the city," said Steve-o from DMA, "We aren't sure if it's just for our city, the whole of New Zealand, or Australia too. But for now we're really on a wait and see until further word from God."

Is Buddha Bar Haunted? Or Are We High?

Since its opening in 1996, the Buddha Bar-Dubai has always been surrounded by controversy. First it was the loud music, then the alleged giant statue not being of Buddha himself. But now there is news on the place being haunted.

"I've been a regular since the last 4 years," says 12 year old Jameel Malik, who asked not to be named. "I know there is definitely something wrong with that place now" he said, "it's just the vibe, man! There is something spooky."

The owners, however, have another story. "Look, we're a bar, OK?" confirms Anoop V., boyfriend of the owner's sister's daughter-in-law. "People come here, they have a little too much to drink, and suddenly they see things. Woah! WTF was that?" he asked, alarmed, as we left him in a state of shock.

"I've seen it with my own two eyes!" says 36 year old Lachu, popularly known as 'Hero' among friends and family. "You go in there and just wait and see. I don't drink and I still saw it. That statue of Buddha moved and he went "shhh!" and the music system stopped!" Having said this, Hero immediately asked for the payment he was promised.

Hero's comments could be ignored, however, it was in-line with many similar stories being whispered by Buddha Bar regulars.

"Sure, it's possible," says Professor Patta Hai Meinu from the University of Research Studies. "Buddha was not big on music, and especially this new-age music. I think it would annoy anyone."