Dubai Says NO to Apple

Dubai, United Arab Emirates

I sit with Mr. Abdul Al Qaskim Al Bind'ul Noor in a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf store sipping a Japanese Cheery Green Tea, while he loads his Apple Macbook. 12 seconds later, he says, "See? All done. Loaded. How long was that? About 10-15 seconds? Now how long would your Vista take?"

Abdul, an American educated Emarati, is one of the 800+ users of the Apple Macbook within Dubai. He sits discussing his concern over a new law that may soon be passed by the government. "First they ban smoking, then holding hands in public, then surfing," he says, "OK, these things are dangerous, yani. But to simply stop people from using a computer they prefer... Argh! (shouts in Arabic)."

Mr Yassim Al Qurashi Zin from the Ministry of Interior sees the move as an important one. "You go outside in my office now. Just go and see," he says, "you will see maybe 2 Mac users and the rest 26 people use windows. I think one uses Linux or something. But, go out and see how the Mac users look at the rest of the team. They are technologists. They discriminate!" 

Yassim then compares how Apple users see Windows users as the Western media saw Arabs as terrorist. "It is just like that, really. You go and look," he said, "you think I like to sit alone in this big office? My desk is outside. But I can't stand it now! So I moved here."

"It's not about that at all," says James Stitch, an Australian residing in Dubai for the last 6 years. "This is a much bigger issue, and it's stupid, really" says James, hugging his Apple Macbook.

"This new rule is because they are scared. They think that Apple is device setup by the Catholic Church to convert people into Christians -- it's because of the whole Adam and Eve and the Apple," he says, laughing, "they're just thick!" James has established the "Apple - Think Different" movement, which is still "in early phases," as he suggests. "But, I think any revolution must start from within, man!" he says as he reveals the Apple tattoo on his back. 

After Swine Flu, Banana Flu threatens to wipe out the Milky Way Galaxy

Bad fruit? Or Mutated Aliens from the planet 'Banana Republic'? "We're taking the necessary precautionary measures to save the human race," says Sushil Kumar, president of Humtohkarengey Islands, an archipelago nation of one and a half islands in the Pacific Ocean, some 2,000 kms off the coast of the famous 'Lost Islands'.

"The world is looking to us because we have the only two surviving superheroes that haven't fallen to this epidemic outbreak," President Sushil continued. "Yes, we have had our problems with Iran in the past, the U.S. too, but it's time to stand up and do the right thing - rub it in their face that we're better than them!"

The nation's closest ally, Sri Lanka, will aid the tiny nation in anyway possible to rid the universe of this uprising by the formerly friendly fruit. Upon asking the President of Sri Lanka, Anoop Tiwari Jayasuria, what kind of support he plans to give President Sushil and his nation, he had the following to say, "Oh, so we're not playing Cricket today?"

Hero & Jataal - Humtohkarengey Islands' resident superheroes decided to assure the media that their efforts will not fail. "Yeah, we'll do something," said Hero as Jataal snored loudily. Upon waking up Jataal Singh by throwing a Fifty Fils coin at him, Jataal finally began to speak, "I'm not exactly a superhero. I'm more of a villain, but i guess now is good as any a time to surrender to redemption," said Jataal as he added, "Mogambo uncle taught me well. Magneto chachu gave me some abilities. So yeah, we'll like do something."

When asked of the relationship between the two former rivals, Hero had this to say, "Jataal killed my mom, but we're way past that right now. He's my new mom."

Farah Somethingwala, owner of the Chiquita corporation spoke to the media on what was for her a very tender subject, "I like bananas", as she dropped to the floor after eating one of her own products. Dharmendra, lead detective on the scene had the following to say, "Su-side."

Is New Media Killing Innocence?

Bharatpur, India.

A small group of parents have gone against big-buck media groups, such as TATA Sky and Showtime Entertainment, complaining about the negative influence of some shows on children. The protest has emerged due to the innocent comments of 7 year old Jatin Stanely, commonly known as Jayt the Steel in the neighbourhood. 

"I sell coconuts for a living," says Jatin's father, Murli, "Jayt is always around because we have no such service as day-care over here. He used to admire my knives, which was fine, but few days ago he picked it up and hummed (hums the opening sequence tune of the TV show, Dexter). That's when me and my wife got worried."

The popular TV show, Dexter, is based on a novel by Jeff Lindsay, the story of which revolves around a "heroic psychopath" says Murli.

"See, tomorrow it can be any of our kids, or even yours!" says Jimbo, the leader of the group, unaware that none of our reporters are allowed to get married. "These shows are having a major negative influence on our kids. And the media groups need to take some responsibility!"

The media on the other hand seems to have taken note of the issue -- however, in the opposite way. Popular Indian film director, Ram Gopal Verma, sees the story of Jayt as one that needs to be told through the silver-screen, while maximising profits for his production house. "I want to make a film about everything," says Ram Gopal. "I can already imagine the poster -- Chotta Dexter!" he said as he turned to his laptop and designed a "concept poster" in 10 minutes. 

"Here, take it" he said, saving the poster on a USB stick, "it's a gift from me." 

Is Buddha Bar Haunted? Or Are We High?

Since its opening in 1996, the Buddha Bar-Dubai has always been surrounded by controversy. First it was the loud music, then the alleged giant statue not being of Buddha himself. But now there is news on the place being haunted.

"I've been a regular since the last 4 years," says 12 year old Jameel Malik, who asked not to be named. "I know there is definitely something wrong with that place now" he said, "it's just the vibe, man! There is something spooky."

The owners, however, have another story. "Look, we're a bar, OK?" confirms Anoop V., boyfriend of the owner's sister's daughter-in-law. "People come here, they have a little too much to drink, and suddenly they see things. Woah! WTF was that?" he asked, alarmed, as we left him in a state of shock.

"I've seen it with my own two eyes!" says 36 year old Lachu, popularly known as 'Hero' among friends and family. "You go in there and just wait and see. I don't drink and I still saw it. That statue of Buddha moved and he went "shhh!" and the music system stopped!" Having said this, Hero immediately asked for the payment he was promised.

Hero's comments could be ignored, however, it was in-line with many similar stories being whispered by Buddha Bar regulars.

"Sure, it's possible," says Professor Patta Hai Meinu from the University of Research Studies. "Buddha was not big on music, and especially this new-age music. I think it would annoy anyone."

“Any publicity, good or bad, is good,” CCEO deems crime scene launch a success

Can’t it just be that I like to hit people with hockey sticks? Can I not deem it as a hobby and not be termed ‘psychologically impaired’? When I asked my bearded therapist, all he had to say was “No.” Needless to say, I also hit him with my hockey stick. Where am I now? Raffa Police Station, Bur Dubai. Cell number 07.

As I rewind to ten minutes earlier, I am being ‘escorted’ into the Police Station as photographers and journalists take my picture and note down my quotes. There were a lot of obscene comments that Gulf News won’t print. Then again we’re not Gulf News. We’re better. The one comment Gulf News did print, was “I’ll be back on the internet by noon!” Damn. Its 1.11pm. That means I’ll have to stay overnight? Subhan Bhagwan!

As for my partner, he could care less. He parked his soul at Mehfil 2 as he began to throw One Dirham coins at the mujra aunties. “Five Dirhams is too much. It’s not my fault they didn’t invent a One dirham note” said Sushil as he mercilessly continued to throw coins at the 72 year olds. On the event that took place this morning, Sushil had the following to say, “I’d say the launch was a success. We managed to make our existence felt by the many millions married to the internet. We are only a few hours old and we’re already the talk of the universe.”

As he paused to take a sip of his Capri-Sonne Orange Juice, soon enough the sipped orange juice all came flying out as he received a slap from one of the mujra aunties. “Any publicity, good or bad, is good,” said Sushil as he now began to throw Fifty Fils coins at the aunties.

"We know what we're into," CCEO Confident of Launch

With the global economic crisis at its worst ever since 1680, two enthusiastic entrepreneurs have taken a risk. The launch of "Yeh Kya Headline Hai!?", a blog highlighting pointless news, may never recover the investment say some experts.

"I don't understand why we should be worried," says Sushil Kumar, the more naive CCEO, "blogging is free!"

Based on a recent research study conducted by the University of Research Studies, it was noted that the average blogger spends approximately US$ 562.32 per month on his/her blogging activities. "Although the direct costs are minimal," says Professor Patta Hai Meinu from the University, "there are additional costs, such as, the electricity consumption, Internet bill, even travel!"

Anoop V., Sushil Kumar's partner in this risky venture has a slightly different view. "Yes, we know what we're into - we are aware of the costs," he says, "but both Sushi and I come from very wealthy families, you see... Money is no concern for us at this stage."

Anoop, a Sri Lankan Sindhi who was born in Taiwan and currently resides in Dubai feels the project has potential. "I have known Sushi for many years as a good friend... I have often wondered how I could maximise my profit through his great mind. Today, I know how." These were Anoop's final words before he pulled out a hockey stick and attacked the reporters present.

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