Ants: Attackers or Attackees?

Ohio, US.

Cleveland residents are in great fear of ants, following an alleged assault case that emerged recently. 14 year old Javin is the victim who claims an ant bit him on the nose during sleep, and as Javin reacted, the ant jumped on to his thigh and bit him once again, before disappearing into the dark night. 

"It hurt so bad," says Javin, "I yelled and my parents came rushing in... but the ant was gone."

Javin's parents filed a case at their local police station, "which initiated a state-wide manhunt, I mean, ant-hunt," says Commissioner Jim Collins.  The commissioner admits that they have had no success because, "they all fuckin' look alike!"

Talking on behalf of the ants community is PETI, a subgroup of the PETA movement. "We specialises in the ethical treatment of insects," says PETI president, Anoop V., "we don't get to do much, so once in a while when an opportunity like this arrives, we're all over it."

Anoop is in process of initiating "a major campaign of educating people about ants" he says. "We will be protesting all ant-hunts, ensuring no more innocent ants are hurt," he says as he presents us with concept art for his "ant-friendly posters."

"So much danger and I still survived 17'3/4 years," he says, "this is the age of the average ant -- and it's short only because of our attacks!"

Anoop admits that cooperation from authorities has been poor. "When we called the commissioner last week and introduced ourselves he said, 'hahaha, PETI?'" said a furious Anoop.